Sometimes you need to shatter into a million little pieces in order to start over. Like those intricate mosaics, something truly beautiful can be glued together and made a masterpiece if we just start by picking up one piece at a time.

I have had this heaviness in my chest, this sadness in my heart, and a loneliness that won't be extinguished for the last few days now. Several things have triggered it, but mainly, right now, I'm feeling very broken.

The ironic thing is that today is National Mental Health Awareness Day. There seems to be more acceptance of things like depression especially given the fact that so many people are desperately clinging to scraps right now with this uncertain pandemic. Suggestions to stay connected, reach out to friends and family, practice self-care are all well and good, but we still don't talk about how difficult it is to talk about depression. We still don't make it safe for those of us who suffer from depression to just come out and say, "I can't be with life today because it's too much right now."

Why is that?

A person who experiences depression doesn't want to withdraw from life. In fact, in my experience, I know it's healthy to find a way to do the opposite to pull myself out of a cycle. But that isn't always possible. So we mask our sadness, become liars and use other made up reasons for not having that zeal for life that everyone is expecting from us. We camouflage our emotions so that others don't have to deal with them. Except that then there they sit, waiting for us to get home so they can once again lay on our chests and try to smother us.

I had a friend who said that instead of anticipating the highs after the lows, I could instead consider these shifts like the weather. Some days the clouds just hang out overhead and take a few days to blow through but all the while we're still able to go about our lives down below. It may not be our bravest attempt, but it's an attempt and sometimes that's all we can ask for.

I know that in a few days the clouds in my world will part and I will again find that spark and spring in my step. I am still the same person, just experiencing a few growing pains and there are bound to be cracks in the foundation when we go through that. But I know that growth is good but often quite painful. I may feel broken today, but I'll be stronger tomorrow once the glue dries.