The clouds have rolled in again and it's been at least two weeks that I've struggled to be me.

The mornings are the worst.  I have no focus, no drive, no joy to will myself up and into the day.

But I do it anyway.

I'm spiraling, with moments of silver linings that are like a flash in the pan and ever so fleeting.

Add to this, I'm physically deteriorating. The heaviness of my heart is spreading throughout all my limbs like a cancer, and most days now I feel like I'm carrying dead weight throughout life. 

I have more than I did a year ago, but I'm living a life I don't know. I'm living in a city that I keep trying on, hoping my reset, my 2.0 will kick in soon. Maybe Spring, maybe Summer. Maybe never.

The vision I had of starting over, meeting life anew, well, the honeymoon was brief.

It's my attitude, my perspective, my loneliness, my tendency for moments of melancholy. 

It's not working again and it's me. My circumstances are different, but am I?

Did I take those "years off", struggling to make ends meet, hitting rock bottom of darkness and despair only to be back here again? Same rowboat. Same shit creek.

What is this life of mine trying to tell me, teach me? That this journey is mine alone to travel, my riddle to solve? 

I can't even look in the mirror. I don't want to see the truth. The truth that I'm the problem. I've caused all of this. I've gotten me to here. 

So I'm numbing the regret, the pain, by checking out of my life and now the rest of my body has followed suit.

 It's a slippery slope and I am all alone.